Looking back...

So often I read quotes that say, "don't look back you can't change the past." "Don't look back because the past doesn't matter, only the future." But they are wrong! There is nothing wrong with looking back..especially if it makes you smile. I look back often on my life and although I carry regrets, I'm never looking back with them in mind. I look back at the good times in my life, the people who have brought me to where I am today, I look back at how far I've come as a woman and an adult. I've gone through so many changes and I'm much happier now than I ever have been not because I've achieved or obtained the things I want in life but because I've realized what it takes and I'm working hard to get there. The distance between a & b is only shortened when you begin the journey. As much as I'm looking forward to my successes, I'm enjoying the trip. So look back so that when you look forward you don't just see how far you have to go, you can see how far you have come. Looking back but moving forward   :)   xxxo

To my grandma's

I am so lucky to know my grandparents. Not everyone has had the opportunity to meet theirs, even moreover I am so blessed to have such great relationships with mine! Growing up I lived close enough to both that I was able to see them regularly. They weren't strangers in my life like I see with Eva and Tylers. My grandmothers have been such a big part of my life for as long as I remember but even more so in the past few years. I can tell them anything. They give me advice and support with understanding who I am as a person. They love me for who and I am what I accomplish, they never push their agenda on my life. Its a special unique bond that I share with both of them separately. I'm not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination but I do pray that they stay with my for a long time to come because I enjoy sharing my life with them and look forward to them being apart of who I am becoming as an adult. I love you both so much!! xxo

Vows

By definition a vow is a promise or an oath.. it isn't necessarily for marriage or religion. My vow is to myself. This particular vow isn't about my health, diet, education, etc. It is a vow to myself to surround myself and fill my life with only people who believe my happiness is important. Too often I allow someone to make me feel insignificant for a multiple of reasons. But I can't do that to myself anymore, I deserve better! This is for my soul. Happiness is the most important thing. Its what the earliest philosophers understood was the driving force in the universe. So I too shall focus on my happiness. Its not about money, image, beauty, or any other truly unimportant reason..its to love and be loved in return. To those who I love and love me in return, thank  you for your forgiveness when I've wronged you. Thank you for your shoulder when I needed to cry. Thank you for your hand when I was falling. Thank you for being apart of my life. No one owes anything to you, doesn't matter if they are family or not. They have chosen to be apart of my world and that is truly an amazing gift! There is a new Tim McGraw song out that fits how I feel about all the positive changes I've made in my life lately.. "I ain't no angel. I've still got a few more dances with the devil. I'm cleaning up my act little by little. I'm getting there. I can finally stand the 'wo'man in the mirror I see. I ain't as good as I'm gonna get but I'm better than I used to be!!"

I vow to love me because you love me! xxo

3 days..

Ok so I haven't worked out, haven't won the lottery, haven't started to plan traveling the world.. have not changed much except reducing my portions and cutting back on my addiction of nuts and I feel amazing today!! I've been eating clean for a while now but I knew I was overeating. I was finding I was constantly hungry and couldn't feel full no matter how much I would eat in a sitting or even all day! But with a few consistent days of disciple and determination I finally have gotten back to my plan and I feel amazing! I don't have a headache and I can't stop smiling! I can't wait to do some lifting!!!  Hope you all are well and wonderful!! xxo

Tired

Not just because its late but I'm tired of being disappointed in myself! Tired of having excuses, tired of not managing my time well enough!! Starting tomorrow I need to find another level of drive to push myself!! Tired of dreaming, I can do it, I just need to push myself :)  Here comes the hulk!

Before the body, the mind

In order to become physically strong, you must be emotionally ready. If you aren't there in your mind it won't matter what you try to do with your body. Your heart has to be in it 100%. I haven't had that the past few weeks. Its stressful because I so badly want to be at the gym, working hard and then eating clean but with my constant migraines and strange stomach aches, lack of sleep and stress from school its been hard to find the extra emotional strength to push myself. I pretty spent all week eating way too much of everything I enjoy that I am forcing myself to stop buying. I am going to start eating raw/natural. Nothing pre-prepared. From peanut butter to oatmeal packages. Oh god its going to be different. But I don't have the strength to say no, so I need to take control of my life in another way!

So it begins...

So as an excuse to become more healthy and focused on my long term goals I have decided that I will partake in Lent. I'm sure my parents would be happy even if I'm not doing it for religious reasons. But in my goals to move completely away from processed foods, I am giving up "treats". Now to different people this means different things. I am giving up anything that isn't homemade and "natural". For example this means giving up the Carnation instant breakfast powder I use to make my skim milk chocolate. As well as pita chips, Quaker instant oatmeal packets, dried cherries from the store...etc. I eat very clean now so it was hard to say I'm giving anything up per say. So in addition to eating natural and "raw" foods (that doesn't mean uncooked meats), I plan to add 1 session a week with my trainer for my muscles, 1 class a week of yoga for my soul, as well as more sleep each night for my mind. This isn't going to negatively affect school or anything else I am currently invested in, I'm hoping it makes me a greater person all around because you get back what you put out in the world! If you want awesomeness, than you must exude it first! Best of luck everyone in your adventures, if you get lost don't forget there are always people willing to help you find your way back!! xxo

Fat Tuesday

I have definitely lived up that name today!! I plan on taking full advantage of the fact that lent begins tomorrow though. I'm not a religious person by any means, I mean I don't even really believe in heaven and hell. But I am going to take the opportunity for myself to use lent as a means of further disciplining myself and furthering my advancements on myself. I'm not quite sure what that means for me as of yet. I think I may require myself more gym time and to plan out my meals and stick to them for the weeks to come. No extras! Everything will be planned, even desserts..I mean lets not kid myself!! I'm not going without those ;)  I think it would be in my best interest to require more sleep as well!! :)

Positive outlook

I am 24 yrs young!! I own a house! I have a good job! I am going to school and have good grades! I do my best on a daily basis! I love myself!! I love my friends! I love my family! I love my hobbies! I make time for the gym!! I eat healthy! I have an awesome dog! I constantly am trying to improve myself!! I am beautiful! I am funny! I am smart! I'm outgoing, a total catch!! I don't have any debt! I smile often!! I have so much to be thankful for!! I just wanted to make sure its known! A lot of people, including myself on occasion complain about what they don't have or what they want..but I have so much an I love my life the way it is! Nothing in life is perfect, so I'm going to enjoy it just the way it is!! I am excited about my future for the first time in a long time! I have goals and aspirations and as long as I surround myself with positive people who love me and continue to work hard, I will achieve them all in time!

I need an assistant!!

Busy busy busy!! Thats all I've been lately! I'm finally figured out how not to sleep but function at optimal efficiency!! My calendar is filled all the way out till MAY!!! Yes you heard me correctly, May! Not one weekend am I completely free to relax at home. Its crazy! I literally just went through my phone trying to find time but no. I work, or have visitors every weekend! Anyone know of an assistant I can hire for free?! ;)
Oh and I need more hours in the day and the gym to stay open later..and a winning lottery ticket too please! Thx!!!

Roller coasters are fun!!

I think its a terrible thing to say that life lately has been a roller coaster or ever is because roller coasters are a blast!! When life has its ups and downs its a mere part of living..something like living in California.There are bound to be earthquakes that cause you to stumble, and then there are some that are ground breaking and turn your world upside down! We all weather our own storms and learn to cope with the changes. Lately I've been having my migraines which keep me from eating properly, sleeping and exercising but thats no excuse not to pick myself up on good days and work my butt off to make it better! Today is a decent day but unfortunately traffic caused me to only get in 15 mins at the gym and unfortunately I'm baking today and who could resist my baking??! Yesterday I made white bean cupcakes!! Today I made apple, banana, zucchini muffins!! Awesome!!! So today life is a roller coaster, bc I'm having a blast!! :)  Who knows what tomorrow brings..hopefully clear skies and stable ground!

Cooking, baking, wine...

So everyone knows I love to cook. I love baking too. Yesterday I made black bean brownies..they have more of a texture of almost a fudge but they are amazing!! I love a good glass of red wine, especially with company. Today I've been reading through recipes and it has just been a perfect day! I woke up this morning and went for a run, showered, came to work, did my weigh in :)  Was happy to see I'm still holding at my old goal and looking forward to reaching my new goal. I love finding recipes that give me ideas for new recipes rather than trying tried and true ones. I can't wait for the day I get to come home from work and cook for a man and potentially one day kids too :)  I love making people happy with my food. People have often asked why I don't go to school to be a chef. Its not that I haven't thought of it but I don't necessarily like the hours. My dream would be to open a breakfast/lunch place similar to that of my Coffee Shop in Gilbert. I would def expand more upon the menu they have and make it my own. Maybe in a few years when I finish school and have built up some equity and a business plan I can take that adventure. But for now I'm focusing on building up my education and life experience. I'm going to keep trying new recipes and ideas and research more into starting a company. I research and educate myself as much as I can on things before I take the plunge. Hopefully I'm not over thinking this and missing out on an experience. If anyone has cook books they don't use or need or want please let me know, I'd love to take them off your hands. Thank you for the support no matter what I have decided to do in my life!! Love you!

Veni, vidi, vi...c...i...

Ok so I'm definitely working on the conquered part..its not so much that I failed but lets be honest..life is not over :) Its a daily battle for all of us! We all work as hard as we can, we all fight for what we want, we all  struggle on a daily basis with  both the big and little things. Luckily we have our friends, family and of course ourselves! We won't always have people to help pull us up off the ground, so we need to take everyday to build upon our strengths and make our weaknesses become new strengths. Take each day as life lesson in love, education, health, and all around wellness. Of course you will have days, weeks and even months that knock you around and cause you to lose footing, but you can immediately stand up, dust yourself off and move forward. Tomorrow is my new day to dust myself off and get stronger! So with that being said, I need to get some rest for my next big day! Back to work, time to focus on school, my health and wellness.

Love hurts

Thats what I see every time I turn on my car..I programed it into my car screen. But its true.. good or bad. Love hurts. I can be an amazing hurt or a hurt that changes you and makes you have to work hard to pull yourself out of the pain. Its such an awesome thing that an emotion can feel so physical. Except when its the numbing pain of love. Memories always make me smile. I'm one to let go of the bad, even if there was a lot more bad than good. Songs are actually what makes me feel the pain. I spend far too much time listening to songs of heartbreak and sadness. But its all part of healing and being able to move on. Feeling whatever it is you have to, facing it head on. Burying it was never a good thing. I want to be the best version of myself this year. I have to stay healthy, happy, and strong to be able to move on for myself. I want to smile and feel that awesome pain of love again!

Back to class....

My biggest fears in life have always been abandonment, letting go of people, and failure. So I did everything I could as a young adult to prevent those things from happening. Leaving before I was left and building up a wall so not to get to close to people, not letting go of people even after they became toxic--I know those seem kind of contradicting but don't expect me to understand my ways...bc even I don't understand it. And finally not putting myself out there so I couldn't fail..I was just coasting.Well it wasn't just the new year that brought on change. I've been trying to fix my downfalls for well over a year. Its definitely a process, not an easy one to change who you had become. But I too well that anything great in life doesn't come easy! So here's to my year of trying hard to correct my mistakes. I stopped going to school because I wasn't the direction I wanted to head and I didn't want to waste time and money. But I also was afraid that I would fail. I don't handle rejection well, as many other people don't but I was thinking only of myself. I was letting myself and a lot of other people who cared about me down. I can't be selfish anymore. I have to grow up. Someday I'll be a wife and eventually a mother so I have to remember that as much as I am important I won't always be the only person I need to take care of. So tonight at 710mtn time I go back to school FULL TIME! Its kinda scary and sad because most people I told I was taking 15 credit hrs including internet classes said wow good luck! They don't have much faith in me! :(   Kinda sad..but instead of like in the past, I'm going to use this to prove them wrong. Its my goal to get the best grades I've ever gotten. Not only for me but those who stand by my side and constantly support me!! Love you so much Grandma and Aunt Margie!! You guys are my greatest support!! xxxooo

New Year..doesn't mean better

Ok so of course we would all love for the new year to mean a clean slate, a fresh start, a chance to make a new name for ourselves but its just not the case.You actually have opportunity to start over every single day. After every decision you make, you can chose to make new choices. You cannot change or forget your past. It will always follow you but if you make your future brighter it won't seem so ugly. Positive attitude and positive outlook usually brings about good things for you. This year is a roller coaster thus far for me. Just when I think I have it all..my world seems to spiral back down again. I'm doing my best not to let it keep me down. And I will opt to make better choices today. All the best in 2012.

Regrets

I will always have regrets but it will be my successes that define me.
So often we go through life making mistakes, wishing we could take it back or fix what we broke. Just because I made mistakes in the past, that doesn't mean that is who I am. I'm not perfect but as long as I try my best to correct my mistakes I am constantly moving closer to my own perfection.Love me through it all because I a stronger with you than I am alone! Here's to those who have struck by me even when I disappointed you. I will be greater because you stuck by my side! I'm sorry for having failed or hurt you, I hope you can forgive me. Though I will learn to forgive myself for those who cannot forgive me. I will hold onto the good memories we had and learn to move forward. I love you forever!!

To Love

Ok so in leu of my parents anniversary I think I really owe a blog to love. I'm usually quite the cynic..for plenty of reasons. Failed relationships and utterly horrible dates come to mind. I haven't always been the greatest girlfriend either but I have definitely learned from my mistakes and even made my apologies to those I hurt along the way. I know what I want and what to avoid...or so I think. I try not to have a type because no one wants to date the same people over and over, especially if it didn't work out before. I like change and excitement! Trust, communication, and consistency are definitely the building blocks to a strong relationship. I want to make sure I always express my appreciation for every little tiny thing that someone does for me. A simple thank you and smile are definitely ways to get that across that are often completely left out! Please remember to always let them know your thinking about them, that you respect them and care about what makes them tick. Laugh off the weird, smile when you think they couldn't be any cuter and hold them at the thought of losing them! Always kiss me good morning and good night! Life isn't a fairy tale, so don't too much pressure on it.
 Always do your best to make your partner happy and appreciated. Put in your best effort so that even if it fails you knew you did the best you could to make it work! So here's to love.. to finding it, keeping it, building it, and marrying it :)

Family...for good or bad

They aren't always perfect, no you didn't pick them, yes they drive you insane at moments but they tend to understand you, or at least be willing to listen. They are the only one you have...family. Growing up my sister, mother, father and I never got along. No I'm not forgetting my brother, him and I did get along. Or at least we got each other. Moving out was the best thing that happened to me, my sister, my father and my mother. Living together was a nightmare. My parents needed to see me as an adult and my sister needed to get away from my clothes and jewelry. LOL  But now we all have a great relationship! I really couldn't be any happier with how great it is. I can call any one of them and tell them exactly whats bothering me at any time of day or night. That actually goes for pretty much every single one of my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc...  Of course I'm calling my family perfect. There are disagreements and not everyone gets along but personally I don't have any issues with any of them. Maybe I'm not one to speak out too much against others choices but thats because I'm all about making mistakes too. My biggest problem I have with my family is the distance between us, and yes I caused it. But at least its only physical, not emotional. I'm very blessed to have a job that affords me the ability to go home and see people whenever possible. I'm looking forward to coming home this month (although I'm not totally sure on the dates yet).
Who you end up with...that man or woman, now that is definitely not a portion of family that you pick. Its my personal belief that you can't help who you fall in love with. Some people I can look back and wonder what I saw in them anyways...but thats another story for another blog. Hopefully I end up with decent family in-laws. People I can tolerate at least and vice versa. After all I'm easy to deal with ;)

Thank you to everyone in my life who I have the ability to call and unload my worries, concerns, happiness, sadness, strengths, weaknesses, and wisdom on!! :) xxo

I don't want presents, I want presence...

Ok ok ok let me just say that I have a million thoughts in my head so let me apologize in advance for this crazy string of run on sentences and paragraphs that go on tangents.


Comfortable-Everyone who knows me, knows I haven't always been in the best shape or had the most confidence in myself. Simple things about me (which for now remain secrets) always kept me in state of mind in which I didn't feel the energy put into the gym and dieting was worth it, after all I wasn't comfortable enough to show off my hard efforts. Well just like everything in life..change has happened. I'm not at what I would call my perfect body type but I can stand here and say I'm proud of my accomplishments. At one pt I was somewhere between 40-50lbs more than I am now. And although I've pretty much weighed the same for over a yr now, I still continue to tone like crazy and have gone down a few more pants sizes! Its definitely been a process but with diet and exercise I've surprised a lot of people...especially myself!! Like I said I've been the same weight which means I've maintained it as well!! One thing I have come to understand is that diet is #1!! Because I was out of the gym for a 6 month stretch when I lost my motivation and still didn't gain more than 2lbs which I immediately lost when I started back up.  ;) Of course I'm not saying I have lived off of egg whites and veggies for over the past yr bc I def had my days and even weeks of overeating but its great bc lets be honest, what you put into your mouth is one of the few things you can control in this crazy world. Yes of course its hard and you get hungry and can't so no, but at the end of the day will power is what you make it! What you put into yourself, your job, education, relationships is what you will get out of them. And all of those things are currently getting my 100% effort! (I don't say 110% because honestly there is no such thing! Everything has a ceiling!)
So in celebration of my new found happiness and comfortability in my skin I did a boudoir photo shoot yesterday...and I loved it!!! I will post a pic on here when I find one I deem appropriate to put on the web for the world to see. I didn't feel comfortable with poses but thats definitely something learned. I would love to do it again or even take photos for someone interested in it. Photography in general if anyone wouldn't mind being my subject. For me the shoot was a final nail in the casket to my past life full of fear. I don't just mean fear of my naked/half naked body but fear in general. Fear can weigh you down in every aspect of your life. I will be now the first to admit as much as I loved growing up, I was terrified of it!! Terrified of making choices because I was afraid of making the wrong ones. But now I realize all that fear was causing bad choices left and right because you can fail, even if you don't try. Failure by definition is a lack of success, and up until a short while back I wasn't succeeding at anything expect stalling my success!! I'm ready for the future now more than ever. You always think to yourself you are going to feel like an adult, or have a special feeling about life when you reach a particular milestone...graduating hs, getting your first apartment, getting engaged, married, graduating college, buying a house, having kids...but many people hit this pts in life and nothing about them changes. They aren't ever truly happy and they can just be living in the motions to get through every week. Its not a milestone that makes you feel like your life is here, its actually participating positively in living. Living each day for tomorrow, not for today. I completely understand and appreciate living each day like its your last bc life is short but I also have come to understand I want to be around for a long time, so I need to start planning for that. Saving money, purchasing a house, finding someone to enjoy my life with, working on my health and using education to make a career for myself. Honestly I dont know what I want to do for the rest of my life in a career but I know the path I've been on isn't going to help me figure it out either. I need to throw myself into something with future prospects. If I dont' like it, I can always order up something new. You don't know what you like until you try it! My dad taught me that :) Always making me try strange foods I vowed not to eat if I wanted to participate in our family vacations (escargo in Hawaii, alligator in Florida). Well maybe Im reading into this too much or maybe he really is just that smart but I look at it like this.. There are always going to be things you don't want to do, you don't think that you will like but until you try it, you aren't going to know what you are missing out on in life and you aren't experiencing everything life has to offer either. Thanks dad xoxo
See theres that tangent I mentioned would probably arise. Anyways the basis of my rant there was that for me I wasn't participating in life because of my fears and in some way the gym has helped me get over that. The gym is good for your heart, your lungs, circulatory system, ligaments, tendons, bones, waistline :), flexability but what I never knew I'd find there was security and calmness. My mom always used to tell my sister and I to go to the gym and I don't mean just whenever. She would tell us to go to the gym when we had cramps, a broken heart, stomachaches, headaches, everything...my sister and I joke that mom thinks the gym cures cancer..which debatably it doesnt at least help prevent it. Thanks mom! If only I had listened to my the message my parents always were trying to teach me. Don't take everything at face value. Then again don't spend so much time reading into everything that you are missing out either.
Balance-
I wouldn't quite call myself a yogi (a person who does yoga often) but I must say even if its not helping my getting any closer to the floor in the splits position, it really has been a good place for me to find calmness and center myself after a hard work out or bad day. You start out and finish in total stillness and silence, you are asked to stop moving every inch of your body and focus on relaxing each muscle. Take time to listen and feel your breathing. Think of one thing you hope to get out of the yoga class one instructor told us 2 weeks ago. And the first word that came to mind was balance. Of course I fall down from time to time and shake through some of the poses but balance to me was not just about successfully holding a crane pose but to find time for everything important in my life. During yoga I don't think about bills, or my day or laundry or needing to change my oil. I close my eyes, take my breaths and think about me and what I need to keep me happy in order to make others happy too. I understand I need time for everything and there isn't always enough time in the day to get it all done without sacrificing sleep..but I'm learning how to. Equilibrium is my goal...time for family, friends, self, gym, sleep, eating, working, cleaning, and everything in between. We all have so much to do we often lose sight of whats important. My list is actually in order of how I think life should be. Now I'm still a bit shaky but I'm working on my core strength (myself) so that I can handle all the responsibilities I have taken on.  :)
Isolation- I've been pretty lonely here in AZ as some of you know...but lately I've learned that since you can't always count on people you have to count on yourself. Well...I finally met someone I can rely on (besides me)...someone who makes me feel welcome, sexy, powerful, enough! The gym!! All I need is a sports bra and some good shoes and I can get lost in my head for hours there. Just Saturday I put in 2hrs. So maybe isolation isn't always so bad. I've learned I'm ok with who I am and continue to make myself smile and some times loneliness helps you find what you were looking for when you were in a sea of people. Now I'm definitely not saying I enjoy being alone bc I'm definitely in need of adult conversation at any time of day with the job I have..I often talk to myself to keep myself from going crazy (if that makes any sense). So I'm doing what I can to get out and meet new people and make new friends whether it be the coffee shop, out taking pictures, talking to girls in my fitness classes or just calling old friends to make me feel like myself, the social little butterfly again. I love and thank each and everyone of the people in my life who continue to bless me with wisdom, insight and laughter each day!!
Well I'm sure I've gone on long enough and you all have better things to do, so please go enjoy your day. I know I am, after all its raining in AZ...