Ok ok ok let me just say that I have a million thoughts in my head so let me apologize in advance for this crazy string of run on sentences and paragraphs that go on tangents.
Comfortable-Everyone who knows me, knows I haven't always been in the best shape or had the most confidence in myself. Simple things about me (which for now remain secrets) always kept me in state of mind in which I didn't feel the energy put into the gym and dieting was worth it, after all I wasn't comfortable enough to show off my hard efforts. Well just like everything in life..change has happened. I'm not at what I would call my perfect body type but I can stand here and say I'm proud of my accomplishments. At one pt I was somewhere between 40-50lbs more than I am now. And although I've pretty much weighed the same for over a yr now, I still continue to tone like crazy and have gone down a few more pants sizes! Its definitely been a process but with diet and exercise I've surprised a lot of people...especially myself!! Like I said I've been the same weight which means I've maintained it as well!! One thing I have come to understand is that diet is #1!! Because I was out of the gym for a 6 month stretch when I lost my motivation and still didn't gain more than 2lbs which I immediately lost when I started back up. ;) Of course I'm not saying I have lived off of egg whites and veggies for over the past yr bc I def had my days and even weeks of overeating but its great bc lets be honest, what you put into your mouth is one of the few things you can control in this crazy world. Yes of course its hard and you get hungry and can't so no, but at the end of the day will power is what you make it! What you put into yourself, your job, education, relationships is what you will get out of them. And all of those things are currently getting my 100% effort! (I don't say 110% because honestly there is no such thing! Everything has a ceiling!)
So in celebration of my new found happiness and comfortability in my skin I did a boudoir photo shoot yesterday...and I loved it!!! I will post a pic on here when I find one I deem appropriate to put on the web for the world to see. I didn't feel comfortable with poses but thats definitely something learned. I would love to do it again or even take photos for someone interested in it. Photography in general if anyone wouldn't mind being my subject. For me the shoot was a final nail in the casket to my past life full of fear. I don't just mean fear of my naked/half naked body but fear in general. Fear can weigh you down in every aspect of your life. I will be now the first to admit as much as I loved growing up, I was terrified of it!! Terrified of making choices because I was afraid of making the wrong ones. But now I realize all that fear was causing bad choices left and right because you can fail, even if you don't try. Failure by definition is a lack of success, and up until a short while back I wasn't succeeding at anything expect stalling my success!! I'm ready for the future now more than ever. You always think to yourself you are going to feel like an adult, or have a special feeling about life when you reach a particular milestone...graduating hs, getting your first apartment, getting engaged, married, graduating college, buying a house, having kids...but many people hit this pts in life and nothing about them changes. They aren't ever truly happy and they can just be living in the motions to get through every week. Its not a milestone that makes you feel like your life is here, its actually participating positively in living. Living each day for tomorrow, not for today. I completely understand and appreciate living each day like its your last bc life is short but I also have come to understand I want to be around for a long time, so I need to start planning for that. Saving money, purchasing a house, finding someone to enjoy my life with, working on my health and using education to make a career for myself. Honestly I dont know what I want to do for the rest of my life in a career but I know the path I've been on isn't going to help me figure it out either. I need to throw myself into something with future prospects. If I dont' like it, I can always order up something new. You don't know what you like until you try it! My dad taught me that :) Always making me try strange foods I vowed not to eat if I wanted to participate in our family vacations (escargo in Hawaii, alligator in Florida). Well maybe Im reading into this too much or maybe he really is just that smart but I look at it like this.. There are always going to be things you don't want to do, you don't think that you will like but until you try it, you aren't going to know what you are missing out on in life and you aren't experiencing everything life has to offer either. Thanks dad xoxo
See theres that tangent I mentioned would probably arise. Anyways the basis of my rant there was that for me I wasn't participating in life because of my fears and in some way the gym has helped me get over that. The gym is good for your heart, your lungs, circulatory system, ligaments, tendons, bones, waistline :), flexability but what I never knew I'd find there was security and calmness. My mom always used to tell my sister and I to go to the gym and I don't mean just whenever. She would tell us to go to the gym when we had cramps, a broken heart, stomachaches, headaches, everything...my sister and I joke that mom thinks the gym cures cancer..which debatably it doesnt at least help prevent it. Thanks mom! If only I had listened to my the message my parents always were trying to teach me. Don't take everything at face value. Then again don't spend so much time reading into everything that you are missing out either.
Balance-
I wouldn't quite call myself a yogi (a person who does yoga often) but I must say even if its not helping my getting any closer to the floor in the splits position, it really has been a good place for me to find calmness and center myself after a hard work out or bad day. You start out and finish in total stillness and silence, you are asked to stop moving every inch of your body and focus on relaxing each muscle. Take time to listen and feel your breathing. Think of one thing you hope to get out of the yoga class one instructor told us 2 weeks ago. And the first word that came to mind was balance. Of course I fall down from time to time and shake through some of the poses but balance to me was not just about successfully holding a crane pose but to find time for everything important in my life. During yoga I don't think about bills, or my day or laundry or needing to change my oil. I close my eyes, take my breaths and think about me and what I need to keep me happy in order to make others happy too. I understand I need time for everything and there isn't always enough time in the day to get it all done without sacrificing sleep..but I'm learning how to. Equilibrium is my goal...time for family, friends, self, gym, sleep, eating, working, cleaning, and everything in between. We all have so much to do we often lose sight of whats important. My list is actually in order of how I think life should be. Now I'm still a bit shaky but I'm working on my core strength (myself) so that I can handle all the responsibilities I have taken on. :)
Isolation- I've been pretty lonely here in AZ as some of you know...but lately I've learned that since you can't always count on people you have to count on yourself. Well...I finally met someone I can rely on (besides me)...someone who makes me feel welcome, sexy, powerful, enough! The gym!! All I need is a sports bra and some good shoes and I can get lost in my head for hours there. Just Saturday I put in 2hrs. So maybe isolation isn't always so bad. I've learned I'm ok with who I am and continue to make myself smile and some times loneliness helps you find what you were looking for when you were in a sea of people. Now I'm definitely not saying I enjoy being alone bc I'm definitely in need of adult conversation at any time of day with the job I have..I often talk to myself to keep myself from going crazy (if that makes any sense). So I'm doing what I can to get out and meet new people and make new friends whether it be the coffee shop, out taking pictures, talking to girls in my fitness classes or just calling old friends to make me feel like myself, the social little butterfly again. I love and thank each and everyone of the people in my life who continue to bless me with wisdom, insight and laughter each day!!
Well I'm sure I've gone on long enough and you all have better things to do, so please go enjoy your day. I know I am, after all its raining in AZ...
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